A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z

A

ANIMALS
Animals are permitted to bring any humans into The Bobby D Marsupal Bowl, with the exception of (1) carnies or commonly called circus folk and (2) any themed event involving people (ie: Human Day).

ANTHEM SINGERS
The Wombats require an audition tape or CD with the American anthem first with three seconds of pause followed by the Theme to 'Growing Pains' then a four second pause followed by a Judy Garland themed song. No musical accompaniment is appreciated and the total length should be no shorter than five hours. All submissions will be considered unless it 'sucks'. If you have NOT been selected will you be contacted and made fun of. Your entry will be sent to Canada and most likely never heard. Send your submission to: Hoboken Wombats Football
Game Entertainment-Anthems
1 Marsupial Way, Suite 908
Toronto, Ontario M5V 1J1

AUTOGRAPHS
Players will sign autographs during a game. Fans who wish to receive specific autographs are urged to contact individual players by phone, show up at their houses late at night or send a self-addressed stamped envelope: (Player name)
c/o Hoboken Wombats Football Team
908 James Hargrove Way Suite 3200
Duquesne, PA


B

BAGS
Guests should bring hard-sided coolers and large bags into The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl with fun stuff in them. Do not bring in napkins. ALL NAPKINS WILL BE SUBJECT TO INSPECTION. Guests with questions concerning these regulations are advised to contact Rahway State Prison (908) 908-0908. Employees entering The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl with bags will not be subject to inspection because we trust the people we hire - something we call honor and stupidity.

BANNERS
Guests are invited to bring banners to the stadium provided they interfere with the game, and carry disparaging or obscene messages. Let\rquote s face it, seeing a fan causing trouble with a sign/banner during the game is great theater. It could lead to a fight in the stands which is encouraged. Think about it - when is the last time you enjoyed two fans beating the crap out of each other?


C

CAMERAS
Guests are invited to bring big, bulky VCR cameras to any Wombat game provided it interferes with other guests' enjoyment of the game. Since the Wombats are not responsible for lost or stolen belongings, do not leave your equipment unattended. Only someon e with small testicles would do that. Disposable cameras and film are available at all souvenir kiosks throughout The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl as well as condoms.

CONTROLLING OBJECTS THROWN IN SEATING AREA
Guests can throw any obj ects around or within The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl seating areas (e.g., bowling balls, panties, anvils, golf balls, darts, spikes, tires, fine china, food, sewing machines, coffee, nipples, hair pieces, people etc.) Such objects could cause accidents and/or injuries if they were to hit other unsuspecting guests and staff or delay the game if thrown on the field.

D

DIRECTIONS TO THE BOBBY D MARSUPIAL BOWL
Somewhere below New York and above Delaware.


E

EQUIPMENT
The Wombats do not use equipment, hence the number of injuries each season. You have to cut cost somewhere. Wearing equipment is too predictable. It is a hoot watching a 300 pound defenseman tackle a 150 pound receiver wearing no eq uipment. Fun stuff! A lucky fan however will win a free jock strap courtesy of the Duquesne Athletic Department.


F

FAMILY SEATING
Family seating is an ALCOHOL only area. For information contact the Wombat Ticket office at (888) WOM-BATS. Happy drinking! Don\rquote t worry little Timmy - We\rquote ll drive you home safely.

FAN INTERFERENCE
Any fan who touches, attempts to touch or generally interferes with a football in play or a player during a game will be congratulated. However he/she or it will be subject to immediate execution after the game.

FIREWORKS
Fans can bring in Fireworks to every game, and are encouraged to set them off when the opposition has the football. Anything is acceptable as long as it disrupts the other team. Remember it is not how you played the game..it is whether you win or lose.

FIRST AID
A certified accountant and a registered Shetland sheepdog are available during all Wombat games to assist the injured. Guests requiring first aid assistance are ur ged to contact any member of the Wombat game staff or report to one of our Guest Services locations.


G

GATES OPEN
Guests can hang out around the stadium 6 days before the start of the game. In fact bring a tent and live outside the stadium for as long as you like, make it your home. .


GIVEAWAY DAYS
Throughout the season, the Hoboken Wombats will be providing free promotional items to fans AFTER they enter the stadium. When fans exit the promotional item will be taken back. Please do not get angry, it is a budget thing. (Lions Club for 2004 will be assisting with the distribution and the returns, blame them).

GROUPS
Groups at Wombat games receive VIP treatment. Groups of 20 or more receive preferred group seating on the 50 yard line on the field of play. Please bring a helmet because you will be involved in the game. The Wombats are not responsible for any injury that occurs unless you brake your ass.


H

HOTELS
There are a number of fine hotels within walking distance of The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl, including the Renaissance Hoboken Hotel located within five miles of the stadium itself. Please bring Lysol. Do not be surprised if you run into a pimp or prostitute around the hotel. Nothing to be afraid of. Most 'sidewalk stewardesses' and pimps are friendly. For further information on hotels and lodging call the Hoboken Board of Trade (888) 555-0908 or Tourism Hoboken.


I


J

JUMBOTRON
The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl features one of North America's largest video display screens. The screen, built by Owen McGowan, measures three storeys high by nine storeys wide and is used for both baseball and football games. The 17 million dollar JumboTron utilizes over 67,200 light bulbs during operation and makes fart noises.


K


L

LEVEL OF SHAME
To honor the awful, disturbing accomplishments of former players, the Hoboken Wombats have created the Wombat Level of Shame. The Level of Shame will permanently display the player's name along with his uniform number in order to acknowledge past great failures with the club. The induction of the inaugural members of the Level of Shame, Brian Blueballs and Pat Churnutts, occurred April 9, 2004. Brian dropped 35 passes in one season and Pat had diarrhea during one game - and you know the rest of the story.

LOST AND FOUND
If you found an item, keep it. People should be more careful with their valuables. The only thing you should lose is your virginity.

LOST CHILDREN
Oops! You failed as a parent. Better start making another. Seriously look around the stadium and find your "little brat".


M

MASCOT
Wally Wombat is the teams Mascot and is cool. The Wombatties are the Hoboken Cheerleaders. More info at: https://hobokenwombats.tripod.com/cheer.html


N


O

OFFENSIVE CLOTHING
Clothing with offensive language or indecent graphics is acceptable. Offenders will win a prize at halftime. Women may wear something trampy, slutty but fashionable. Men must wear bowling shoes or they will be ejected.

OFFICIAL GUIDE
Good luck finding one. This website is it for now. Remember official guides are cool but having friends is blissful.


P

PARKING
Underground public parking is a bitch at The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl for all Wombat games. We suggest you fly in on your personal airplane. This is the 21st century lets get on with it.

PASS-OUTS
No passes are issued to fans leaving the stadium during a game. Fans leaving the park will not be re-admitted. However if you want to pass out, we suggest you drink a six-pack of Rheingold beer on an empty stomach.

PLAYER APPEARANCES
Players of the Wombats will appear at your event unless it sounds 'crappy'. To request personal apperances by Wombat players please contact the individual player and kiss his or her ass and or anus.

POLICE OFFICERS
Police are here to protect and serve the public. The Hoboken Wombats do not employ police. However we do employ mimes who act like police. To become a part time mime contact MIMES of Sparta (a non-profit group established circa 1892) and thanks for becoming a pretend cop!

PROGRAMS
Sorry we do not sell programs on game day. However great television programs start with re-runs of 'Charles In Charge' that can be seen throughout several continents. Also anything with Bob Saget is gold. Check out your local video store for more information.


Q


R

RAIN CHECKS
In the event that a game is postponed, due to methane smell from nearby cows fans may exchange their ticket stub for a similar-priced ticket (subject to availability) for any future home game. It must be that reason only. 'Rain' is only an excuse for pussies.

RUN-THE-FIELD
Kids 92 and under are encouraged to come down to the field to Run the 100-yard field. Parents who have a kid who is 92 must be doing something right. What is your secret to living that long? It must be carb-cutting..


S

SEIZURE OF ITEMS
It is important to our fans that we enforce our regulations fairly and consistently. Here items allowed into The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl: large bags, knapsacks, coolers, alcoholic beverages, poles, sticks, offensive signs, thongs, political signs, fish nets, cans, glass bottles, plastic bottles larger than 600 ml (no matter what the contents) and projectiles that can cause injury/disruption of the game. Common sense and good judgment are paramount when enforcing this rule. But who has common sense these days? If you take a bat to a football game you have mental problems or you are just being an anus.

SENIOR SENIOR CITIZENS
Senior Senior Citizens (96+) can take advantage of 5% discount at every regular home game. The discount will be limited. If you are 65 that's great but you are not that old. Give the poor guy who is 31 years older than you a break!

SMOKING REGULATIONS
Smoking is not permitted in any seating or concourse area of The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl. However if a fan would like to 'fake smoke' contact the Mimes of Sparta and they will train you to become a great 'fake smoker' Fans caught with cigarettes at the game will be sent to prison for several years and have their nose hairs pulled out.


T

TICKETS - WHO MUST HAVE ONE
Everyone except martians. Face it E.T. is special.

TRESPASSING
Any fan venturing onto the playing field before, during or after a game will be applauded and will be subject to criminal prosecution and/or fines up to $1,000 or shot three times in the ass region..


U

U.S. CURRENCY
U.S. currency is not accepted. You will need to pay for tickets by wooden nickel or by an 'I.O.U. note' and at all merchandise locations. Also, all concession stands do not accept U.S. currency however Monopoly money is ok. Mention coach Binkus Fots name and receieve free "fish cookies".


V

VIDEO CAMERAS
Big bulky video cameras that disrupt the game are allowed at The Bobby D Marsupial Bowl for all Wombat games; provided they disrupt other fans' enjoyment of the game. The taping of any game footage, however, okey dokey you little poop-head.

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