2015-16 SEASON
huge odds to make it in the NFL. "J Stemm" or Johnny Stemmler remembers growing up in an area filled with gangs. "There were several menacing groups, The Key Club, 4th Grade Recorder class, Ginkers, Yearbook staff all hard core bad-ass people, I survived and it made me a better person". Stemmler credits his "inner city-self" with a good upbringing and his focus on sports, particularly spoon hockey and then football. John also had a brief stint as a sheephearder. "The sports and wildlife kept me from these groups of danger". Meanwhile his teammate "Maestro" McGowan fought hard to get where he is today. McGowan candidly recalls life as "not so easy". "Growing up on the rough neighborhoods of Central Jersey, I learned a life lesson...most vegetarians are communists". Maestro does not want to live in the past. "Those days when I dealt with thugs in grammar school have ended, I do give respect to those who can survive." McGowan thinks back to the time when he had to put people in their place. "I really did not want to hurt them, but I thought I owed it to them". Lesson Learned. Both Stemmler and McGowan at early ages experienced a life full of "hard knox". They hope the lessons they learned will translate in saving the youth of tomorrow.
2014-15 SEASON
Aswipee won a spot on the squad last season with her unique style that has amazed yet frightened many on lookers. Fluffy the Wombattie fashion consultant told the media that Anita will be out a few days and that she will now need to wear underwear permanently. This is a big blow to her and her self esteem. Aswipee who publicly announced that underwear is a scam and overrated is flattered by the fans support. Sometimes you feel humbled when you have such a great amount of people pulling for you, it makes you want to show the world your cooch - I mean heart. Anita was admitted into St. Mary's of the Worthless Miracle care center yesterday night. Doctor's believe there is no foul play involved. "We think she has been quite frankly whoring it up lately, she needs to give her holes a rest" said Dr. Frank Rosenpenis.
"She's a trooper and for that matter a slut" added Dr. Rosenpenis. Please send you cards and letters to: North New Jersey. Also you can call her by dialing a phone (use your fingers to manipulate buttons with
numbers on it). Best wishes Anita!
2013-14 SEASON
It is hosted by LiveJournal which lets you create a journal, make a blog and keep contact with other net surfers. "It is quite an honor to finally get noticed by another source" told owner Louie Louie at a press conference. "jimmystagger"
who wrote about the Hoboken football team gave our site a thumbs up saying "Some NFL teams don't have fan sites this in depth". His journal discusses music, sports and a host of interesting subjects. Click on the Livejournal logo to check it out. "With the
support of jimmystagger and our fan base, we are prepared to defeat the Redskins in the Superbowl" told Coach Fots to reporters. Practice and workouts begin on Wednesday which will lead into the big game on Saturday.
2012-13 SEASON
Fots will be on the sideline this week after questions arose about his rumored affair with Reese Witherspoon. On Witherspoon, Fots said "Nothing is there between us, the only time I saw Ms. Witherspoon was when I rented "Legally Blonde 2". Fots is currently engaged to homemaker Pinky Bots. Binkus lives in Sparta New Jersey and has 5 other children somewhere in the United States. "Can we focus on Football - I guess I'm fighting the right wing conspiracy you libs" Fots told the media. The response caught the crowd off-guard and nobody really knows what that means. But Coach Fots has the team more focused on the big prize - the Super Bowl Championship. "We don't want to being playing with the toliet bowl because our mission is the big game in Tampa" said coach Fots. We'll have further updates as your Wombats go for a fourth straight title.
The Hoboken Wombats just got a boost in the running game. Running back Shaun Alexander came to terms on a 3 year deal. Details were undisclosed but this will give the Wombats a one-two punch on the ground. Johnny "Blue Jeans" Stemmler and Shaun Alexander will both share the running back position and most likely "Blue Jeans" will shift to the wide reciever position. 
Owner Louie Louie has stressed a more "youth movement". "We have many players hitting their prime, young back ups will help". Alexander in Play Station 2 years in only 24, and his future looks bright. "Some people get me mixed up with Tiki Barber and that's ok, but I will be pumped putting on the Wombat Jersey" Shaun said at a press conference yesterday. One thing that needs to be addressed is the aging cornerback position. Which was answered when the multi talented Yarkis Zoovey signed on for a three year deal. Yarkis was a stand out cornerback at Temple University. Zoovey won Temple's award for outstanding player called the "Your Kinda Good" trophy. "It was an honor to receive a prize" said Zoovey. "At Temple we played hard but we weren't that good, we stunk...now that I'm a winner all you ladies can drop that chicken dinner". Zoovey as talented as he is has run into legal problems. A 2005 arrest for jaywalking and last month the league tested him for Snapple abuse. "These new league rules have me scratching my balls" said Yarkis at a press conference". Owner Louie Louie told the media "We are proud to have these fine additions to the team, now shove this in your pipe and smoke it".
2011-12 SEASON
Hoboken football stand out John Olerud is not rap star Eminem. The word came out at a playoff press conference last night. In front of hundreds of reporters John Olerud made it clear. "I know people have said I look like Slim Shady, but I'm like will the real slim shady please stand up? and I'm not standing". Olerud decided to make the statement so that he could focus on winning a superbowl. "Some people mistake me for David Cone or Batman but I am myself, now I hope that the media can relax now". John recently decided to put baseball on hold to focus on his football career but several sources say that the New York Yankees might still be interested in his services. Olerud shares the playing field at Safety with Harry Fagina. As for the future John will have his own music CD released sometime next spring. He calls his music "Mormon Progressive Funk". A very different style than Eminem. In the off season he and his family enjoy making meat helmets and spending vacation time in Rangoon. Coach Fots told WDUH that he expects John could play another ten more seasons, however Fots seemed to be "loaded" or "half crocked".
2010-11 SEASON
The rumors are swirling around Wombat football training camp that comedian Artie Lange is ready to put on the football gear. Although no talks have been confirmed Lange would be a good fit for the defending champions. "Artie brings a sassy style to the team" said team owner Louie Louie. Questions about his drinking have come up but team members are not worried. Quarterback Bill Donner told reporters "He is a warrior, I am confident coach Binkus Fots will discipline him into more drinking, things will work sort of". The main issue between the parties is will there be enough money under the salary cap to afford Lange. Artie has mentioned if an NFL team was interested that they will have to respect his demands. The main issue will be allowing Lange to drink and smoke during the actual game also he wants no part of practicing. "Practicing is for pussies" Artie told reporters back in 1997. "I never practiced on Mad TV, why now...give me a whiskey" added Lange. Artie is well known for his stint on Mad TV and hit movies that include Old School and Old School...Currently he makes millions of people laugh on the Howard Stern Radio Program. We will keep you posted on Breaking News. Maybe Artie will visit this site and leave a message in our guestbook (scroll down the page) - but we are not holding our breath.
The NFL lashed harsh words to the Hoboken organization yesterday when the Wombatties unveiled their new uniforms for next season. Pictured on the left is Co Co Kuntze (pronounced Koont-zie), a Wombattie trying out for next years
squad, she was the center of controversy yesterday at a team fashion show. The NFL commissioner told Hoboken ownership that they went "too far". Wombat owner Louie Louie told reporters it is a "tasteful display of trampy-whoreness" (referring to the new u
niforms).
Co Co, a lawyer in her spare time in Leonardo, New Jersey just wants to land a spot on next year's Wombattie squad. "I hope I'm not pregnant, I'll take one of those testy thingies - I did over eat yesterday". K
untze added "It would be an honor to prance around almost naked in front of fifty thousand idiots every weekend". When questioned about the "racy" outfits Co Co responded "I have low self esteem. I've worn less and done alot worse as being a lawyer, I tend to fart in court in front of clients and judges, one time I urinated on myself in the courtroom - after a night of drinking 16 beers, so wearing something like this does not phase me". The NFL will ask the Wombatties to be removed from the playing field if the organization goes ahead with this new uniform idea. Hoboken's Scooter Vignuolo football player/lawyer as well added "If it works for Co Co, she could wear what she wants, I myself would not wear something like that on the football field". A decision by the team will take place shortly.
When you think of superstars of the football field you would say Bob Devlin, John Elway, Dan Marino, Lawrence Taylor but when you think of television two big na
mes pop up in your head. GARY COLEMAN and DAVID HASSELHOFF. The two show-biz legends are scheduled to appear when the Wombats open the season against the New England Patriots at the Marsupial Bowl. At halftime the two television stars will help set off fir
eworks at mid-field. Coleman & Hasselhoff signed on to the deal when they were told they will be paid $7.50 each (not including taxes) for the event. "It was a great opportunity to make some cash and get out of this funk I'm in" mentioned an excited Hassel
hoff. David starred in the recent Sponge Bob movie and received rave reviews. Gary Coleman enjoys the spotlight. "I love to be a part of something, especially when the pay is good for my wallet". Where's Willis? Anyway, dispite rumors that Todd Bridges (Coleman's co-star on Diff'rent Strokes) was going to appear and shoot off Coleman from a cannon, Hoboken management quickly denied the report. "If Gary and David would like to work a register for our home games, we could give them a position in our organization" said general manager Louie Louie. Tickets are on sale and are going away at a slow rate. Hasselhoff promised to bring a new version of "Kit" (David's futuristic car from the show Knight Rider)...it's his 1984 Dodge Omni that he currently drives. It should be a great time at the stadium
2009-10 SEASON
Call him what you want, artist, entertainer and now....motivational speaker. Coach of the Wombats, Binkus Fots asked the Grammy award winner to say a few words to his team before kickoff. "Flav is real life our team needs a message to sink in their heads before the game" said coach Fots. "I think Mr. Flav is just what we need to secure a victory at the superbowl" added a drunken Fots. Known as "Foo-Fe-Foo" to some, Flavor has recently been noted for appearing in the popular VH-1 hit show "Real Love" starring himself and Brigitte Neilson (Spelling maybe incorrect but who gives a rat's ass). "Git-tay" and "Foo-Fe-Foo" have been a couple for weeks now. Flav is also excited that his new main squeeze may play football next season in the NFL. "My girl 'Gittay' would be a great linebacker" said Flav. He then started to chant his name over and over until he passed out four minutes later. Players are looking forward to his speech. Paul Fancy told reporters "It is great to see an icon (Flav) a family man, a role model for our youth who doesn't use steriods to give a speech, I think he is great."
With a few twists of the arm and many incentives Ken Daneyko will play football with the Hoboken Wombats this season. Daneyko (right) along with Wide Receiver Ken Cody (pictured on far right) is excited that this could be a chance for another championship. As a member of the NHL's New Jersey Devils for twenty seasons Daneyko has three Stanley Cup Championships under his belt. This will be his first professional sports action since retiring from hockey two years ago. "It is a shame that the hockey season might be lost, however New Jersey should be excited about this Hoboken football team" mentioned Daneyko at a press conference yesterday in South Brunswick. Ken Cody added "Kenny brings leadership to the squad, I'm looking forward to winning a Super Bowl with him on our team". Coach Binkus Fots thought the move was "Superific". Wombat owner Louie Louie a Boston Bruin fan had mixed emotions but feels good about Daneyko fitting in. "I like this team" Louie said. "I also like roast beef and acorns" mentioned Louie. In other team news Haywood Jablowme received a letter about lemons and papercuts from a fan. Jablowme did not understand the connection until he watched an episode of "Strangers With Candy" which had the memorable quote. Jablowme still "didn't get it". Good news! Tippi is cleared to cheerlead again. The Wombattie had a bad cold with a case of the clap said doctors. Way to go Tipster and don't spread those legs that far again!
Three lucky fans got a chance to meet Wombattie Sarah Spitz yesterday at the Hoboken Recreation Center located in Orlando, Florida (we are still trying to figure that one out). For $5 dollars fans received an autograph anywhere on the body since no paper was allowed (saving precious trees). The Wombats donated two pecent of the profits to a charity called "You Are Not That Worthless". Otherwise known as "YANTW", is a non-profit organization that supports people with low self esteem and who smell funny. The other 98 percent of the profits went to Wombattie Sarah's boob job. "I'm kinda small, i'm only a
D right now, but I want to be a double F" Sarah added. "If there is money left over, I hope to get a butt implant too, maybe some botox in my nipples". Either way it was fun for all. The event lasted for five hours with tons of fans from all around the co
untry. "We are doing great things for our community" said team owner Louie Louis Louie. "Next week we have a charity event for gnomes - it is fantastic".
Can the penguin play football? That is the question when Hoboken hits the field this season. At a height of 3'2" and weighing in at 25 pounds can young Paz Penguin get the job done? The answer is "Yes" from none other than Paz's mom Big Penguin. "Paz is comfortable with the NFL, and he knows what he can do" said a proud Big Penguin. With his star status on "Ready, Set, Learn" his popularity would bring in many new fans to the NFL and hopefully with the Hoboken Wombats. "The penguin is a prodigy, he is all heart" said Louie Louie, majority owner of the Wombats "We embrace his presence here". Paz was actually drafted by the New York Jets, but the Wombats made a move to get him here. "We swayed the little guy with unlimited fish cookies" said owner Louie Louie. "I like football and friends" said a happy Paz. This is great for the fans and penguins who know they could become NFL stars too.
Yes the Hoboken Wombats are promoting Duquesne Pilsener. The deal will cover the next seven years or until Coach Fots stops drinking. So let's just say the deal will be rock-solid for years. What has made this crazy is the tie in with Hi-5, a kids show that is seen on TLC weekday mornings. "The cast and myself love to hit the booze" mentioned Curtis Cregan - Hi-5 member. Owner Louie Louie of Hoboken said this will be great for kids. "It is a good way to start youngsters on the right track because a drink or two is ok". Critic Dick Izinher of Project Youth Organization thinks this idea is bad news. Izinher told reporters that something like this can influnce kids to drink at a young age. Hi-5 memb er Jenn Peterson-Hind disagreed she told the news crew "After singing to kids and dancing you need to get high...on life, that's why we support Duquesne Pilsener". Ms. Peterson looks to become a stripper when she gets older so does member Curtis Cregan. However the ad will likely be pulled because Duquesne Pilsener was last available in 1972. What the hell is going on? "I hope they don't take away my beer" lamented Cregan.
HOBOKEN, NJ (AP) - During the third quarter of Hoboken's battle against the Miami Dolphins an unidentified woman ran onto the field with a water pistol, wearing barely anything (pictured above right). Police Officers persued the lady but since she was "no threat" they let her do her business. "Lady Streak" ran on the field for 45 minutes and the game was delayed. Officer Kocknocker of the Hoboken police squad said to the media "If this was a man, a hairy man I would have shot him, However in this case it was a woman and it is just not polite to tackle a woman even if she did have a pistol". Everyone from headquarters came down to control the situation or at least stand around and watch. The Hoboken police force came to the streaker's aid after one of her silicone breast popped while she was around mid-field. She was sent to St.Mary's Of The Worthless Miracle and was in good condition however she does have a screw loose. "The water pistol was a funny touch especially during these times" said veteran of the force officer Littlenut. Detective Benjy Ballsach summed up the case. "This is what happens when you are crazy and have fake boobies, hell happens - let this be a lesson for all you streakers out there keep your "Jimmies" and your "Bouncies" in your pants and shirts". Owner Louie Louie has invited the "Lady Streak" back next week. "The woman told me she might set herself on fire while eating fig netwons during the halftime show next week, every child and grown-up needs that entertainment in their lives".
Congrats to Alex Won - he won a Wombat mirror courtesy of Waldenbooks and a date with Bubbles the Wonder Chimp.
2008-09 SEASON
WOMBATTIE LOSES TEETH IN BAR FIGHT
Wombattie Sarah Spitz (pictured on left) was in a battle that got ugly and ended up with her losing teeth yesterday at the Brunswick Grove Bar & Restaurant. To her aid was ex-Wombat #84 Brian Blueballs (pictured in center) and fellow Wombattie Connie Lingus (pictured on the right). The rumble started when allegedly Sarah was in an arguement with "bar-goer" Mitch Cumsteen about paint thinner, boobies, deer flies and the endangered mongolian wild ass. Then suddenly the 104-year old Cumsteen threw a bottle of Vodka at Spitz. The bottle hit her mouth causing serious damage. Ms. Spitz was saved by former Wombat Brian Blueballs and Wombattie Connie Lingus. "I'm okay" said Sarah. She added "When you have an 80 pound, 104-year old attacking you anyone would crap their panties". Policeman Notch Nockcocker of the New Brunswick police brought the two downtown to take a breatherlizer test. Both failed. Cumsteen was at 0.84 and Spitz was at 0.98 which is about ten times the legal rate. "It is a good thing these two hooligans were caught before Mr.Cumsteen went nuts, these days you cannot trust 104 year olds, they can be a bitch to deal with" said Officer Nockcocker. Nockcocker let them go an hour later citing that the punishment would be to let them drive themselves home. Both Cumsteen and Spitz arrived home safely. The real twist in the story is that through records and dental history provided by Dr. Karl of East Brunswick, both are related. Cumsteen is her grandfather. The 104-year old is elated however he will still press charges against his grandchild - Sarah. Cumsteen is suing for slander and because she "wouldn't make out with him". Lawyer Scooter Vignuolo passed on this case.
2007-08 SEASON
Pictured above is Greg Gatto, Wombat team scientist. Over weeks and weeks of data, Gatto has come up with the correct formula for victory. "I believe that if the Wombats future opposition breaks their legs or they play teams full of half-midgets - Hoboken will be going home with a championship". Gatto added "We must not rule out an act of god either, but with all of the data in, it is sad to say that we think the Wombat football team would be better off playing water polo, curling or spoon hockey". When asked of any outstanding individual traits, Gatto said that wide receiver Brian Blueballs would be a great fire watcher and quarterbacks Bill Donner and Pepe Pussye are great pan flute players and driftwood sculpters as well as good quarterbacks. When asked about the state of the NFL Gatto said "The National Football League must watch out for the new sport of TBKA (Tennis-Baseball Kicks Ass) it is a sassy sport". Gatto wishes the team the best and gives advice. "Next season, two words MATT SOMMA will bring the Wombats more victories".
2006-07 SEASON
COACH FOTS "STRESSED OUT" OVER RECENT LOSSES
Published reports are saying that Hoboken Wombat coach Binkus Fots is "stressed out". The owner of the Wombats Joe "Louie Louie" Bondoleone said Fots has nothing to worry about. "This team would not be where they are without Fots" said Bondoleone. "However losing is not an option" added the puzzled owner. Several players spoke out about this issue. Johnny Stemmler talked with reporters and told them "We know that the coach likes to down a few, but we never knew that he has been under stress". Stemmler who was talking to WDUH-FM assured the fans that Fots will be okay. "We will help him...unless he gets fired, then who gives a rats ass" added Stemmler. Chris Fama told us that he saw Fots'
coffee intake go from 2 coffees a day to 13. Fama said "That has to have an effect on your performance, plus it probably makes you pee alot". President Bush had no comment on the matter while presidental hopeful Howard Dean yelled at reporters several time
s "WE ARE GOING TO NEW JERSEY". We hope coach Fots will relax and take the Wombats home to victory against Green Bay.
DIGIACOMO REFUSES TO WEAR HELMET
Mark DiGiacomo tries to become first NFL player to wear no helmet during game
Published reports are saying that Hoboken Wombat Mark DiGiacomo wants to become the first player in NFL history not to wear a helmet during gameplay. "I'm so sick of the commercialism and logos regarding helmets - let me wear my Cleveland Indian cap and l
et's play some football". League officials are expected to fine Mark for his actions. "Look, all I want to do is run, stretch and kick - I do not find any head gear needed" added an angry DiaGiacomo. Team Physician Alexander Hody told the Wombat front offi
ce that "chances are likely that an injury can occur (to Mark)". He also mentioned in the best interest for the team that he should "wear something helmet-like" and use Halls cough drops because "the good people use them". Hody then started to sing and mo
ve his arms up and down for no reason. Meanwhile NFL official Elbert Hodapp had no comment at this time. "I want total support from my team - because there is no "I" in team" as DiGiacomo ended the interview. We will keep you posted on any late development
s.
OTT SIGNS WITH HOBOKEN
He finally gave in, Ott Phanthavong signed a three year contract with Hoboken yesterday. Ott's agent who secretly goes by the name of "J.G." explained why he is a Wombat. We would print what he told the media, however that might take pages and pages....and more pages. Ott told reporters that he is ready to have two careers being a right guard and making sure that MP913 is completed as a Digital Production Specialist. He added he wants to be a specialist in winning superbowls. Coach Fots was on hand for the press conference. "I like what the kid is saying, we need to win because if we lose, it's like listening to a long story with no ending or like taking a dump...it's pretty shi**y". Hoboken opens the season against Baltimore this week. They need luck to win this...or lots of money to pay off the Ravens...we'll see.
| Home | Roster | Results | News | Recaps | Wombatties | Store | Lacey | FAQ |
 |